Never Again

‘I wish I had known sooner that I like being on my own. If I’d figured that out earlier, I probably wouldn’t have gotten married three times”…………..Whoopi Goldberg

 

I tried it twice. I gave it my best. I guess marriage is not for me. Two divorces and my life turned upside down both times. In each circumstance I’d moved to a remote and new location for a man. Oh, it’s so important to have a man. Gotta have a man.

I always said I was a couples person. And on several levels, I was. I liked being in a relationship and having someone to count on, to talk to and do things with. But then there was the other side. Both husbands were self-centered and not very caring, seeming to only look out for themselves.

I will never go back to the slightest chance of living as I did with my two husbands. I wasn’t doing anything wrong though second husband even made a list of my deficiencies. I was just not the right kind of woman for either of them. I never thought I’d compare them but as time has passed I see some of the similarities.

First husband always kept busy with work and I learned to do things on my own. I actually grew to like it and perhaps this is where I developed a value for friendships with other women.

Second husband was the one who I did almost everything with. He didn’t like people very much so it was good for us to pursue his hobbies together. We had fun and traveled a lot. Silly me. I thought we were happy. What bothers me the most is that I must have ignored the clues. We were married for seventeen years. That’s a very long time and the best years of my life were with him.

Husband one was a drinker. And number two wasn’t. That might be the only difference. Both husbands were dishonest, never talking to me about their unhappiness. We probably couldn’t have worked it out but maybe we’d have gotten divorced sooner and not wasted so much time with a going nowhere relationship. I feel kind of stupid for not being aware and then doing something about it. I think about and relive the experiences all the time

I had a significant period of time between husbands, twelve years, and you’d think I’d have realized how nice my single life was.   And it was pretty nice. I became accustomed to doing what I wanted and I had enough friends to keep me busy.

Second husband didn’t like it that I kept in touch with girlfriends. He said that people would think there was something wrong with the marriage if I did things without him. Turns out it was very wise for me to stay connected with girlfriends. They are my life blood.

I’m beyond the age of finding someone else. But what I’ve really decided is that I’m not a good marriage partner. Some friends say that’s not true; that I was just a bad picker. All I know is that I’m never doing that again!

I’m sometimes sad these days. I think that might be the process I’m going through. I was so weary for life when I moved here and had to take some time to get my bearings. I think I just need to do nothing for a while. That makes up for the years I was under so much stress living up north for both of those guys.

 

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